I am writing this on my bed, unmotivated and defeated because I always spend the week before my birthday in sober reflection dissecting the past year into bits, searching for the negative aspects and woe stories because I am a perpetual pessimist and in some ways a perfectionist. I am obsessed with order and the overwhelming need to take charge and firmly grip the reins of my life. I think about what isn’t working more than what has worked and this invariably takes a toll on my mental health. I am going to change the narrative for this year’s pre-birthday week and try not to let bad events be the highlight of the previous year.
Apparently, you can’t always get what you want. I had to learn that the hard way. I had to somehow create a safe space where I could live a little, forget the rigorous demands of being a Nigerian woman and literally just take a chill pill. I did this by finding out the things I found interesting. It took a whole lot of time. Thinking about it now, 2019 was the year of self discovery because before that, all I did was live in someone else’s shadow.
This past year has been quite an eye-opener; I discovered the tranquillity that comes with solitude. I like being alone a little too much now (how will I see husband?, haha) and at the same time I love anything that involves adventure. I enjoy listening to music from boy-bands in Australia (Mansionair is my favourite), adding items to my cart on some online shop that I would never purchase, watching the latest crime/serial killer videos on YouTube or just watching “opening decades-old canned food” because I find the fermentation/decay processes of food fascinating (I can see you judging). I even watch organ transplant videos (I’m obsessed with doctors) and mermaid sightings in world. Okay, I’ll stop there. If you want to know what else I watch on YouTube, leave a comment, I’ll let you in on the good stuff!
I also started this blog (against all odds) and I hope you guys are enjoying it.
That being said, I would like to just add that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a step. What is that thing you have been putting off? Is it a business? Texting that person? Working out? Do it!!! Start okay? Life is actually too short. (This is me making a sordid attempt at giving motivation when I am Esther, the chief procrastinator). I will change, I hope you will too.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!
Love & Light.
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