God when: A single woman’s guide to nothingness.

So I have been single for quite some time (a blessing in disguise) and most times I don’t know how to act around men; Does it eat grass? Do I feed it? Why does it sound like that?

I say to myself “Esther you’re a dead guy”, “go out more”, “you’re going to end up living all alone with forty cats in a cabin in New Zealand”, “they don’t love you because they don’t know you” blah blah. So after many months of bickering with the voices in my head I decided to entertain some men.

Well here are the breeds of men you are likely to see in Ibadan metropolis;

1. The chauvinistic know-it-all’s

Fine face, nice car, nice belt (who else stares at a guy’s belt?), relatively nice accent. Brother is a doctor in UCH or Head of some new age company(e.g digital marketing). But here’s the thing about these men, they don’t expect you to have any information about any relevant topic(because I’m a fine girl abi?) oh and they talk about how their jobs are stressful and how they’re looking for someone to understand them (fam I’m not your mama ok?)

2. The ones with PhD In Scamology:

The National union of Scamologists are a body of individuals involved in all ranges of internet fraud and cyber crimes. They have integrated themselves into the elite of the society and own major properties in the city. They will take you out on expensive dates and slap your face with thousands. They are perfect for you if you love adventure (running from EFCC).

3.University nobodies with no social standing:

I bet you’re thinking “Esther, this heading is mean”, my apologies but it is what it is. Some people find their significant other in Uni and that’s fine (nobody is dragging you) but if you’re someone who doesn’t fancy seeing your partner incessantly then this category is not for you. Uni boys will “have you eaten?” you to death because that’s all they can do (ask irrelevant questions). Don’t expect lavish lifestyles from these children (boys).

4. The I’m-married-and-so-what gang:

Lol I have nothing to say than men will disgrace you. I want to know why an individual will decide to proceed with a serious, permanent and almost lifelong commitment like marriage and still act like a hormonal teenager; talking about “i wish i met you first”, well i’m glad you didn’t Femi.

5. The all rounder; the perfect match:

Actually he is not in ibadan. You will meet him in heaven when you die. ( or hell, wherever you end up he is there). Okay that was a joke. I have not met him yet but my fingers are crossed.

Disclaimer: I am no expert and so if there are other categories you would like to add please do so in the comments section. I am in no way shading anyone but if the shoe fits, do the needful.

kudos to those in wonderful relationships. How does it feel to be God’s favorite?

Love & Light.

if you’re new here, check out my previous posts. if you’re bored, send an email to [email protected], let’s be besties.