God when: A single woman’s guide to nothingness.

So I have been single for quite some time (a blessing in disguise) and most times I don’t know how to act around men; Does it eat grass? Do I feed it? Why does it sound like that?

I say to myself “Esther you’re a dead guy”, “go out more”, “you’re going to end up living all alone with forty cats in a cabin in New Zealand”, “they don’t love you because they don’t know you” blah blah. So after many months of bickering with the voices in my head I decided to entertain some men.

Well here are the breeds of men you are likely to see in Ibadan metropolis;

1. The chauvinistic know-it-all’s

Fine face, nice car, nice belt (who else stares at a guy’s belt?), relatively nice accent. Brother is a doctor in UCH or Head of some new age company(e.g digital marketing). But here’s the thing about these men, they don’t expect you to have any information about any relevant topic(because I’m a fine girl abi?) oh and they talk about how their jobs are stressful and how they’re looking for someone to understand them (fam I’m not your mama ok?)

2. The ones with PhD In Scamology:

The National union of Scamologists are a body of individuals involved in all ranges of internet fraud and cyber crimes. They have integrated themselves into the elite of the society and own major properties in the city. They will take you out on expensive dates and slap your face with thousands. They are perfect for you if you love adventure (running from EFCC).

3.University nobodies with no social standing:

I bet you’re thinking “Esther, this heading is mean”, my apologies but it is what it is. Some people find their significant other in Uni and that’s fine (nobody is dragging you) but if you’re someone who doesn’t fancy seeing your partner incessantly then this category is not for you. Uni boys will “have you eaten?” you to death because that’s all they can do (ask irrelevant questions). Don’t expect lavish lifestyles from these children (boys).

4. The I’m-married-and-so-what gang:

Lol I have nothing to say than men will disgrace you. I want to know why an individual will decide to proceed with a serious, permanent and almost lifelong commitment like marriage and still act like a hormonal teenager; talking about “i wish i met you first”, well i’m glad you didn’t Femi.

5. The all rounder; the perfect match:

Actually he is not in ibadan. You will meet him in heaven when you die. ( or hell, wherever you end up he is there). Okay that was a joke. I have not met him yet but my fingers are crossed.

 

Disclaimer: I am no expert and so if there are other categories you would like to add please do so in the comments section. I am in no way shading anyone but if the shoe fits, do the needful.

kudos to those in wonderful relationships. How does it feel to be God’s favorite?

Love & Light.

 

if you’re new here, check out my previous posts. if you’re bored, send an email to [email protected], let’s be besties.



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Le Reina

My name is Esther, Queen Esther. I am a Nigerian psychologist navigating blindly through this tornado called life. The words best used to describe me are witty, pretty, chubby and bubbly. Welcome to my blog.

35 thoughts on “God when: A single woman’s guide to nothingness.

  • April 4, 2020 at 4:15 pm
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    It’s a fun read, even though I felt somewhat attacked ☹…apparently I’m a university nobody with no social standing 😪. Tragic.
    It was really fun to read though.

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    • April 4, 2020 at 4:16 pm
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      Omg Iyanu 😂😂😂 it’s all bants…no hard feelings 😘

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    • April 4, 2020 at 4:17 pm
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      Sorry😂 I think everybody was once a university nobody at some point or at least most people were

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      • April 4, 2020 at 4:19 pm
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        Yes o, no shame there😂

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  • April 4, 2020 at 4:16 pm
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    Lmaoooooo
    Ded ded ded!!!!
    These names killed me😂😂😂
    Luckily or unluckily for me I haven’t met any of these ones. Thank you for meeting them on the behalf of we the association of single pringles that won’t be bothered to mingle😂
    But maybe one of the categories I’ve is the Uncle 10missed calls with no purpose than to ‘see how you’re doing’ 5 times in a day

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    • April 4, 2020 at 4:17 pm
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      Yesssss sis😂😂😂, took one for the team

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  • April 4, 2020 at 4:16 pm
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    Lol guyyyy
    The talk about me throughout the date guys.
    The talk really loud while saying absolutely nonsense about what they know nothing about guys.
    The my mom said and my dad said guys. Yes you Ayo.

    Lol there are funny, sweet but incompatible guys too sha. That one can pain

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    • April 4, 2020 at 4:18 pm
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      Omo Precious you have experience 😂😂😂, thank you baby girl 💓💓💓

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  • April 4, 2020 at 4:18 pm
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    Lmao I was hauling at the running from EFCC part. Love it girl.

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    • April 4, 2020 at 4:19 pm
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      Thank you very much 💓💓💓

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  • April 4, 2020 at 4:21 pm
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    Lmao I was hauling at the running from EFCC part. Love it babe you are doing well.

    Btw thanks for occupying us during this lockdown.

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    • April 4, 2020 at 4:24 pm
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      Thanks love, I’m glad you like it💓

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  • April 4, 2020 at 4:44 pm
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    😂😂😂🤣🤣 You’re so mean 😂 I can relate so much to 1 and 3, it’s honestly exhausting. The perfect match always nice when you think or when you fantasize about it. But in reality where’s he? 💀
    👏🏾👏🏾

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    • April 4, 2020 at 4:47 pm
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      Exactly 😂😂😂😂

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  • April 4, 2020 at 4:55 pm
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    The running from EFCC part really got me, what type of adventure is that one?
    And Esther? You are a dead guy, dear😂😂😂
    What about the “I’m just not ready for a relationship” guy?

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    • April 4, 2020 at 4:57 pm
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      Rose please I’m trying to be less dead😅😂😂 abi o, those ones, mtchewww why talk to me if you’re not ready for a relationship?

      Reply
  • April 4, 2020 at 5:06 pm
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    This was really fun to read👏, I guess i’m waiting for my all rounder😢

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    • April 4, 2020 at 5:08 pm
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      We gather dey o😂

      Reply
  • April 4, 2020 at 5:34 pm
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    “I’m glad you didn’t Femi”😂😂😂, sounds like someone I know. Honestly, I love this, I was literally smiling, you really got Ibadan guys well.

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    • April 4, 2020 at 5:39 pm
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      😂😂😂😂 Thanks my dear Clementine 💓

      Reply
  • April 4, 2020 at 6:23 pm
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    The categories blew my mind.. Esther God will help you lol

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    • April 4, 2020 at 6:24 pm
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      Amen sister 💓😂😂😂

      Reply
  • April 4, 2020 at 6:45 pm
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    I’m dying 😂😂😂, I have practically met them all well except the perfect match, I don’t think they exist though.
    Like no matter how many people I have met saying “oh he’s heaven sent” “oh he’s the rib of my rib” 😒 abegi, no one is perfect sis and if he’s that perfect look out he’s definitely hiding something🤭….love reading your blog booo……More fresh inspiration by Gods grace….keep it up Esther❤️❤️

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    • April 4, 2020 at 6:52 pm
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      “he’s the rib of my rib”😂😂😂dead. Thanks so much my love 💓

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    • April 4, 2020 at 6:58 pm
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      When I meet him I’ll know.

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    • April 4, 2020 at 6:59 pm
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      Can’t give out the specifications so that I don’t have someone pretending to fit them.

      Reply
  • April 4, 2020 at 7:14 pm
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    This was so funny and relatable. I loved the headings especially. l was expecting nothing less from you. As for me, no relationships until I make some money.

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    • April 4, 2020 at 7:16 pm
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      Das on period.🔥

      Reply
  • April 4, 2020 at 7:16 pm
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    OMG “University nobodies with no social standing” is the definition of my ex. I’m dead, please leave me, lol.

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    • April 4, 2020 at 7:18 pm
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      Eyyy God😂😂😂😂😂

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  • April 9, 2020 at 11:06 pm
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    😭😭😭 it is painful that I didn’t read this early enough also.
    However, kudos to you dear.😍
    To those “University nobodies with no social standing” it is hilarious coz 77% of guys were once there. 😆 But I know some guys that have refused to graduate from that category even after serving their father’s land.

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    • April 10, 2020 at 1:37 am
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      Drag them😂😂😂😂

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    • June 24, 2020 at 11:25 am
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      Thank you so much!!💓

      Reply

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