NEWS FLASH: You will NEVER get over him!
Just kidding, you will get over him. Trust me you will, as long as you refrain from saying things about his new girlfriend like “she looks like a toad“, “she’s shaped like a fridge“, even though she does or is.
Relationships are hard and breakups are harder. I’m not talking about your instagram boyfriend of two weeks; I’m talking about the ”you’ve-seen-my-butthole-and-we-almost-got-married” boyfriend. Okay that’s a bit intense but you get what I mean.
Breakups are part of growing up, essential in personality development and character building, so do not shy away. Like it or not, they will happen (except you’re with your high-school sweetheart until you die). You can curse like a hood rat and threaten to rain fire and brimstone on him but if you do not sort through your feelings and go through the process of healing, you will just be a grenade, getting ready to explode (in your new relationship).
Here are some tips and tricks that have worked for me:
1. Mourn the ode like he died:
You can call me a crackhead but he really did die. He’s dead and gone from your life. So cry sis, weep, wear sackcloth like a Jewish girl. Organize a whole funeral in your head; complete with puff-puff and scented candles. Do what those white girls in movies do (wearing dark eyeliner and crying in front of a mirror while smudging the eyeliner to produce black tears). Crying a lot after a break up is therapeutic. The tears will eventually finish. When the tears stop flowing, put on your bad girl Riri outfit, carry a big shovel, dig a hole deeper than 6ft (even in your mind you must do fit fam), and bury him.
DISCLAIMER: This exercise (apart from the crying) is done in your mind. I didn’t say you should hunt him down and kill him (I wish you could though). Last time I checked, Nigeria still gives the death penalty for manslaughter. Stay safe Queens.
2. Accept that you were toxic too:
This is probably the hardest part because of something in psychology called the “Egocentric Bias”. It is the tendency to rely too heavily on one’s own perspective and have a higher opinion of oneself than reality. It’s basically exaggerating events for memory consolidation and to satisfy one’s ego (my B.sc cannot be wasting).
After a breakup, it’s very easy to paint him as a demon and forget that you were practically Lilith the mother of demons. Yes Felicia, don’t look away i’m talking to you. No need to take a shit on his image to your friends. What if he was just dense and couldn’t love you the way you wanted? What if you were selfish and self-seeking? What if you guys were just incompatible? Did you think about that O Saint Felicia III? Talking about “He lost me, I didn’t lose him”, “He will never find anyone like me”, that’s his plan dear, now shut up and move on.
3. Keep your distance:
You are scrolling through his twitter, what you’re looking for, you will see it and then maybe your head will reset. 
I know you miss him. You guys have a lot of memories together and you can’t stomach the fact that he is happy without you. Well, He is. Deal with it. Block him everywhere if it helps. I don’t believe in all that “we can be friends” crap. It works for some people though. Don’t try it if you’re the fragile I-can’t-live-without-you type. It’s the ghetto, would not recommend.
4. Re-discover yourself & Pray:
There is more to life than being someone’s girlfriend. Chill a little bit, loosen up, have fun. Read books and make sure you have a good support system. You are a QUEEN for heavens sake. Act like it. If you are religious, Pray. Sometimes the burden is way too much for you and that’s okay. Remember:
“To love is to have the strength of a thousand mules”. – (L.R.B 2020).
Love & Light.
I know I exceeded my usual 2 minutes reading time. Forgive me?
Leave a comment and don’t forget to share with your friends. My email [email protected] is always open. Let’s be besties.
If you’re new here, Thank you for gracing me with your presence. Check out my previous posts.
There’s a Lotta craziness in this write up…. But I’ve learnt n I have d right recipe for getting over HIM.. tnx queen…. I’m still wondering how someone else can see ur butthole tho
Thanks baby girl๐ I’d rather not say ๐
Did you really write ” mourn the Ode like he died”? ๐๐๐ I just can’t with you.
Nice advice and a very good read.
Yes๐๐๐๐๐ Thanks ๐๐๐๐๐๐
Funny as ever with great advice. The clown picture, i just cant with you ๐. This was really good, you’re forgiven.
Thanks you very much Gigi๐๐
I just looked in the mirror and I’m thinking to myself, was I “Lilith the mother of demons”? Thanks LRB ๐. Nice writeup too
๐๐๐๐ thank you ๐
Awww The Eyilayo, Thank you so much ๐๐๐ means a lot ๐
This is as real as it gets.
I love how realistic your contents are always.
Youโre a great writer LRB. Thanks for showing us how much of a Queen you are.โค๏ธ
Awwwwww Sewa. Thank you so much, ๐๐๐๐๐๐
Your content is really good.
I love your write up tbh
Sha donโt give up.
Iโm your biggest fan ๐๐๐
Awwwwww Thank you so much๐๐๐
Esther ma pami now, โmourn the ode like he diedโ โyouโve-seen-my-butthole-and-we-almost-got-marriedโ boyfriendโ kuku kill me ๐๐๐. I was just laughing so hard while still digesting everything Mehn you couldnโt have been more right though.
Although Iโm part of the we can remain friends even after we are done. I feel itโs the relationship that didnโt work doesnโt mean friendship have to die ๐until my ex boyfriend said his new girlfriend wasnโt cool with us being friends ๐and honestly I was and I am very much over him but I guess she just couldnโt deal๐ maybe she was feeling threatened ๐๐๐๐๐
Nice nice one boo ๐ youโre doing well
Do you baby girl, yeah she was obviously threatened๐๐๐๐ Thank you so much love, I’m glad you liked this article ๐
Lmao I feel like I just stumbled into the inner workings of a woman’s mind. Y’all don’t rate us….
Your content is too real and funny. Keep it up!
๐๐๐yeah you just did, Thanks so much ๐ ๐
LRB!!!!
The bad girl Riri part though..lol
Yes every girl needs a bad girl Riri outfit ๐
That money heist meme got me maddd. Great one โค๏ธ
Although sumborri cannor relate ๐๐
Me I only write about what I’ve experienced or know๐ Thank you so much. #Berlinforever
very nice write up, funny too but very realistic. I hope queens draw strength from this write up
Awww Thank you so much๐
“Mourn the ode like he died” as a guy I felt it. Lovely piece! You’re doing great.
Thank you so much๐๐๐
Wow, nice write up and this came right on time. I kinda pictured the whole mourn him like heโs dead in my head and you really donโt wanna know the outfit I picked for his funeral๐… Keep it up, LRB.
Yasssss baby girl ๐ thanks so much ๐ ๐
Omg, I’m already in love with your blog. I wonder if there’s a way I could get notified each time you post a new article
Awwwwww leave your email, I’ll send you a mail personally. Thank you so much ๐ ๐๐คฉ
So I can see your email here, I have sent you a mail already. Thank you so much once again.
OMG! I can’t believe that I left this beautiful piece since it got published to read now.
More creativity Esther ๐ฏ
Thanks my love ๐
I love what you’re doing here Esther, keep it up you’re going places baby girl.
Joshua!!! I love you๐๐๐๐ Thank you so much๐
To love is to have the strength of a thousand mules.
That will stick with me forever โค
Omg Vanessa ๐๐๐, I’m flattered ๐๐๐
Lol guyyyyy!! Your posts are a vibe.!
Thanks ๐๐๐๐๐๐
Basically, I had fun and learnt a lot…thank you๐ ๐ ๐๐…and yeah…we can be friends ๐๐
Awwwwww, Thank you so much ๐๐๐๐ yayy๐๐
Well for someone who hasn’t been in a relationship before or hasn’t felt what love is, is it weird for that to happen.
Any dangers of one being single for so long and never had a relationship even once.
It is not weird. I’ve been single for almost 2 years now. Maybe you just aren’t putting yourself out there. There is no danger, when you find the right person, everything come naturally. Have a wonderful day๐
Best Ballons around here !
Thanks!
This is a topic which is near to my heart… Many thanks! Where are your contact details though?
Send an email to [email protected] ๐