NEWS FLASH: You will NEVER get over him!

Just kidding, you will get over him. Trust me you will, as long as you refrain from saying things about his new girlfriend like “she looks like a toad“, “she’s shaped like a fridge“, even though she does or is.

Relationships are hard and breakups are harder. I’m not talking about your instagram boyfriend of two weeks; I’m talking about the ”you’ve-seen-my-butthole-and-we-almost-got-married” boyfriend. Okay that’s a bit intense but you get what I mean.

Breakups are part of growing up, essential in personality development and character building, so do not shy away. Like it or not, they will happen (except you’re with your high-school sweetheart until you die). You can curse like a hood rat and threaten to rain fire and brimstone on him but if you do not sort through your feelings and go through the process of healing, you will just be a grenade, getting ready to explode (in your new relationship).

Here are some tips and tricks that have worked for me:

1. Mourn the ode like he died:

You can call me a crackhead but he really did die. He’s dead and gone from your life. So cry sis, weep, wear sackcloth like a Jewish girl. Organize a whole funeral in your head; complete with puff-puff and scented candles. Do what those white girls in movies do (wearing dark eyeliner and crying in front of a mirror while smudging the eyeliner to produce black tears). Crying a lot after a break up is therapeutic. The tears will eventually finish. When the tears stop flowing, put on your bad girl Riri outfit, carry a big shovel, dig a hole deeper than 6ft (even in your mind you must do fit fam), and bury him.

DISCLAIMER: This exercise (apart from the crying) is done in your mind. I didn’t say you should hunt him down and kill him (I wish you could though). Last time I checked, Nigeria still gives the death penalty for manslaughter. Stay safe Queens.

2. Accept that you were toxic too:

This is probably the hardest part because of something in psychology called the “Egocentric Bias”. It is the tendency to rely too heavily on one’s own perspective and have a higher opinion of oneself than reality. It’s basically exaggerating events for memory consolidation and to satisfy one’s ego (my B.sc cannot be wasting).

After a breakup, it’s very easy to paint him as a demon and forget that you were practically Lilith the mother of demons. Yes Felicia, don’t look away i’m talking to you. No need to take a shit on his image to your friends. What if he was just dense and couldn’t love you the way you wanted? What if you were selfish and self-seeking? What if you guys were just incompatible? Did you think about that O Saint Felicia III? Talking about “He lost me, I didn’t lose him”, “He will never find anyone like me”, that’s his plan dear, now shut up and move on.

3. Keep your distance:

You are scrolling through his twitter, what you’re looking for, you will see it and then maybe your head will reset.

I know you miss him. You guys have a lot of memories together and you can’t stomach the fact that he is happy without you. Well, He is. Deal with it. Block him everywhere if it helps. I don’t believe in all that “we can be friends” crap. It works for some people though. Don’t try it if you’re the fragile I-can’t-live-without-you type. It’s the ghetto, would not recommend.

4. Re-discover yourself & Pray:

There is more to life than being someone’s girlfriend. Chill a little bit, loosen up, have fun. Read books and make sure you have a good support system. You are a QUEEN for heavens sake. Act like it. If you are religious, Pray. Sometimes the burden is way too much for you and that’s okay. Remember:

“To love is to have the strength of a thousand mules”. – (L.R.B 2020).

Love & Light.

I know I exceeded my usual 2 minutes reading time. Forgive me?

Leave a comment and don’t forget to share with your friends. My email [email protected] is always open. Let’s be besties.

If you’re new here, Thank you for gracing me with your presence. Check out my previous posts.